Favorite Comedy Quotes
Ned Plimpton: I'm gonna fight you, Steve.
[Steve hits Ned in the face]
Steve Zissou: You never say, "I'm gonna fight you, Steve." You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him.
Ned Plimpton: You fight your way, and I'll fight mine.
Steve Zissou: Okay, listen, Ned. Don't you try to...
[Ned hits Steve in the face]
Steve Zissou: I think your Team Zissou ring might've caught me on the lip.
Janey: I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.
Jake: [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?
Airline Clerk: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.
Inigo Montoya: You are sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Inigo Montoya: No reason. It's only... I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
Vizzini: What? Probably some local fisherman, out for a pleasure cruise, at night... through... eel-infested waters...
General George Armstrong Custer: Any questions?
[Sacajawea raises her hand]
General George Armstrong Custer: [Mumbles her name]
Sacajawea: That is not my name.
General George Armstrong Custer: Sacajamea?
General George Armstrong Custer: Sac, Sack-in-a-box?
General George Armstrong Custer: Cinco De Mayo. Mission Accomplished.
Store Clerk: Hey, freeze bitch!
Mike Lowrey: [as he points the gun her way, in a flash Mike and Marcus stop arguing and point their guns at his head] YOU freeze, bitch!
Store Clerk: Oh shit, I'm fucked.
Mike Lowrey: Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.
Marcus Burnett: And some Skittles.
Alyssa: How bad could it have been?
Holden: Put it this way: have you ever heard a nun call an eight year-old boy a fucking cunt rag?
Every time I give an order, it gets screwed up! Plan a reception, wrong hors d'oeuvres. Appoint an ambassador, he leaves the country.President Thomas 'Tug' Benson
Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
[Banging his hands against the elevator wall]
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, Selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!
Vic: Hey Deb, How's my soft baby?
Debbie Dunham: Come on, beat it, Vic. I'm not your baby.
Vic: Aw, come on honey. Look, so I never called you back. I've been, you know, busy.
Debbie Dunham: Yeah, three weeks? Besides, it only took me one night to realize if brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose.
Vic: Look who's talking. Hey, who's the wimp you're hanging out with now? Einstein?
Debbie Dunham: Tiger happens to be very intelligent, unlike you. I know everything your dirty little mind is thinking - it shows.
Terry Fields: Hey now, buddy, look. The lady obviously doesn't want to have...
Vic: Look, creep. You want a knuckle sandwich?
Terry Fields: Uh, no thanks. I'm waiting for a double Chucky Chuck.
Vic: Then keep your smart-ass mouth shut.
Vic: Hey, I'll call you some night Deb. Some night when I'm hard up.
Debbie Dunham: I won't be home.
Debbie Dunham: [lights a match and throws it at him as he makes an obscene gesture at her]
Debbie Dunham: Get out of here.
Terry Fields: You seem to know a lot of weird guys.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls!Brennan Huff
If you ain't gonna shoot him Kung-Fu his ass or somethin'.James Carter
Margaret Lord: We both might face the facts that neither of us has proved to be a very great success as a wife.
Tracy Lord: We just picked the wrong first husband.