He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.

Al Czervik

I can say what I want - I still got Nazi bullets in my ass.

Grandpa

Jane Winslett-Richardson: [about her baby] In twelve years, he'll be eleven and a half.
Steve Zissou: [pause] That was my favorite age.

I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!

Lt. Frank Drebin

My miracle pill for the middle-aged man!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau

Jack: Those assholes got balls.
Red: I'm gonna put them in my mouth and chew on them!
Jack: You're gonna put what in your mouth?

Will you go to prom with me?

Schmidt (to Jenko)

Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?
Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.

Willie Mays Hayes: Call the stewardess, Vaughn. I need one of those bags.
Rick Vaughn: There aren't any stewardesses.
Willie Mays Hayes: I wonder if they are any pilots.

Charlotte has pudding in her Prada.

Miranda Hobbes

Leopard Seal: Come here, sausage. I take you with ketchup!
Ramón: Yeah, but first you gotta catch up!

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