Favorite Comedy Quotes
Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.
Otto: Yeah. Winners.
Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?
Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
Archie: [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.
Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.
Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
Otto: You are the vulgarian, you fuck.
Wanda: What have you found out?
Otto: Not a lot.
Wanda: You realise he's in court tomorrow?
Otto: I know. I know that!
Wanda: So nothing, huh?
Otto: Nix. Zip. Diddly. Bupkis. Niente.
Wanda: You just wanted to get me into bed.
Archie: I fell in love with you.
Wanda: How come you dumped me then.
Archie: I wasn't rich enough, remember.
Wanda: Say something in Russian.
Otto: Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27 technique.
Wendy: My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjinsinjin, and I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are "debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house."
Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.Otto
Archie: Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?
Archie: He's no idea?
Wanda: He doesn't have a clue.
Wanda: He's so dumb...
Wanda: ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
Archie: You make me feel free.
Archie: Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?
Pork away pal. Fuck her blue.Otto
Wendy: Your father has finally gone completely mental!
Otto: So the old lady's gonna m-m-m-meet with an accident eh K-K-K-K-Ken?
Wanda: Get the fuck out of here, Otto.
Otto: Relax. I heard moaning; I was worried.
You can stick this marriage right in your bottom.Wendy