Favorite Comedy Quotes
[repeated line] Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!Inigo Montoya
That is a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.Garth Algar
What kind of rat bastard psychotic would play that song right now, at this moment?Raoul Duke
What the fuck, man? You shot me in my stomach! I'm gonna die now, probably. Man, I had y'all over for dinner! Fish tacos! This is how you do me?Red
David Seville: [sees Theodore eating something small and brown] Woah Theodore, did you just-?
Alvin: Relax Dave, it's just a raisin.
David Seville: Prove it.
Alvin: [swipes the 'raisin' and eats it] Mmm-hmm.
David Seville: Okay.
Alvin: [he leaves]
Alvin: [quickly spits it out and points a finger at Theodore] Dude, you owe me big time!
Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No thank you, I don't wear them.
Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
Russell Ziskey: You could join a monastery.
John Winger: Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?
Russell Ziskey: Never.
John Winger: So much for the monastery.
Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.
Jack Fuller: Richard Banger? So your name is Dick Banger! Dick Banger!
Banger: And yours is Jack? Jack off! Jack off
Adam: What are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the Excorcist 167 times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it. Not to mention the fact that you're talking to a dead guy! Now what do you think!? You think I'm qualified?
Friend: Are you sure Applebee's is the best place to meet hot women?
Rick: You thinking Olive Garden?