Favorite Comedy Quotes
E.B.: What are the newspapers for?
Fred: You know you're an animal, so..
E.B.: Oh, I understand. I'll just sleep down here, among my poo and pee, like a pig.
Prince Edward: [talking to a TV] Magic Mirror. I beg you. Tell me where she is!
Mary Ilene Caselotti: [on TV] Reporting from 116th and Broadway.
Prince Edward: One hundred and sixteenth and Broadway!
[hugs the TV]
Prince Edward: Thank you mirror!
[kisses it and runs off]
Morty: [while Michael is about to call him] Yes?
Michael Newman: [jumps back and lands on the table] You scared the...
Donna Newman: Honey, what's going on down there?
Michael Newman: I, uh, it was a mouse! It's dead, I killed it, it just broke the table first.
Jimmy: Let's make a baby!
Paula: Yes, that will solve all our problems.
Ants: Hey, man, who cut the cheese?
Joe: He who smelt it, dealt it.
Lt. Dixon Piper: "How did you know I was wearing a bullet proof vest?"
MacGruber: "You're wearing a bullet proof vest?! Awesome!"
Miss Stoeger, I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.Cher
Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?
Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.
Ted: With who?
Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.
Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
Pat Healy: It was. They're changing their image.
[admiring his torture contraption] Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure by now you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.Count Rugen
Frau BlÃ¼cher: Would the doctor care for a brandy before retiring?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No. Thank you.
Frau BlÃ¼cher: Some varm milk... perhaps?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No... thank you very much. No thanks.
Frau BlÃ¼cher: Ovaltine?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
Frau BlÃ¼cher: Then I vill say... goodnight.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Goodnight.
Happy Gilmore: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!
Boys, you got to learn not to talk to nuns that way.Curtis