Favorite Comedy Quotes
Sugar: Oh, Daphne, how can I ever repay you?
Jerry: Oh, I can think of a million things.
[Sugar gets into bed with him]
Jerry: And that's one of them!
Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you telling me you're quitting the movie? We're supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.
Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.Phil
All this time I thought I was more to you than a flaccid story.Van Wilder
Wayne: Our enemy is wicked, so...
J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.
Wayne: No! She's the Emperor.
J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits.
Wayne: Ok, now Sandy, that girl, she's a real nice girl.
J.D.: Ah, yeah.
Wayne: She's a sweetheart.
J.D.: Dude, a saint.
Wayne: A goddess.
J.D.: A princess.
Wayne: No what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.
J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.
Miles Raymond: [while tasting wine] It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit. Fuckin' Raid.
Jack: Tastes pretty good to me.
Lisa: I want a wedding in church with bridesmaids and flowers.
Vinny Gambini: Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Lisa: Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.
Mrs. Dashwood: Reduced to the condition of visitor in my own home. It is not to be borne Elinor.
Elinor Dashwood: But consider Mamma, we have nowhere to go.
Mrs. Dashwood: John and Fanny will be arriving from London at any moment. Do you expect me to be here to welcome them? Vultures.
Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my romp, but I belive that this dilema cannot be solved by partying.Taj
Lee: Just follow my lead. Act like a tourist.
James Carter: I am a tourist, fool!
Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.Harry Burns
Mel: I'd like to see you have a little direction.
Cher: I have direction!
Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.