Favorite Comedy Quotes
Jessica (in Clive's body): [disguised as Taquito; as Carol tries to kiss him] Carol, please! This would be wrong for me in at least five different ways!
Carol Spencer: [pulling away] You mean... you like men?
Jessica (in Clive's body): Of course! What did you think?
I don't see anything about heaven or hell. This book reads like stereo instructions.Adam
AS IF. I am only 16, and this is California, not Kentucky.Cher
[praying over Heather's casket] Hi, I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sounded bitchy?Veronica Sawyer
Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out!
Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit!
Walter: What did you do with Kermit?
Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.Veronica Sawyer
Bart Simpson: I want a father who's the same in the morning as he is at night. Oh... what's that word...
Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders: Consistency?
Bart Simpson: Thanks losers.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets.
Fletcher: ... be gentle.
All every woman really wants, be it a mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep dicking.Banky Edwards
Yianni: Ian, if you're gonna be in this family, I get you some earplugs because the Portokalos women, if they're not nagging someone... THEY DIE!
Toula Portokalos: Ah, you're in so much trouble when I tell my sister!
Athena: Tell me what?
Carter Duryea: [Carter and Alex meet in an elevator] 47. Are you going to Sports America offices?
Alex Foreman: Yeah.
Carter Duryea: You an intern or something?
Alex Foreman: Uh, no, my dad works there.
Carter Duryea: Oh.
Alex Foreman: Are you interning there?
Carter Duryea: No, I'm starting a job there today.
Alex Foreman: That's good. Congratulations.
Carter Duryea: Oh, thank you. I'm totally scared shitless. I have no idea what I'm doing. Don't tell anyone, okay?
Alex Foreman: Okay.
You're not funny. You look funny, but you're not funny.Chuck