Favorite Comedy Quotes
Ben: This is odd, it never happened before.
Al: You're havin' a stroke. Good!
Jenko: Oh, hey, look, there's Korean Jesus.
Captain Dickson: It's Vietnamese Jesus now, you racist motherfucker.
Prime Minister: I'm very jealous of your plane, by the way.
The President: We love that old thing.
Customer at Quick Stop: Are you even supposed to be here today?
Dante Hicks: Don't get me started.
Dad, I think Crazy Carl is right.Billy Madison
Eva: I know New York is a great city, but I do not miss that lifestyle at all. I mean it was just stress, and Blackberries, and sleeping pills. I used to drink a triple latte every morning just to wake up.
Linda: Well, I see your point, but I kind of value the sleeping pill and the Blackberry and the latte.
Seth: You know you can really get trapped in that web of beepers and Zenith televisions and Walkmens and Discmans and floppy discs and zip drives, laser discs, answering machines and Nintendo Power Glove...
Linda: Wow, you know so much about technology.
Tanya Peters: You're all man. I like that in my men.
Frank Drebin: You're coming on to me big time, sister. You're preying on me like a kitten with a fresh mouse. And we got a problem.
Tanya Peters: You're Jewish?
Frank Drebin: No. You're Rocko's girl, and in my book that chapter's called "look but don't touch."
Tanya Peters: I could have two lovers.
Frank Drebin: Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
It seems like only yesterday I was strafing so many of your homes. Here I am today, begging you not to make such good cars.President Thomas 'Tug' Benson
Girl: I'd love to try everything once.
Girl: Skinny dipping in the Indian Ocean....
Rick: Sleep with a married guy....
Steve's gotta go drain the sea-monster.Steve the Pirate
The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...Pee-wee
[brainstorming] Paul Power... Paul for President... Paul... Promise... Progress... Peanut...Paul Metzler