William Miller: I have to go home.
Penny Lane: You are home.

Admiral Benson: I slipped on a crab. Who put that crab there?
Lt. Commander Block: I don't see any crab, sir.
Admiral Benson: Don't tell me. There were two crabs. They work in pairs. I went to Annapolis for chrissakes!

Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?
Peter Bretter: ...yeah, probably

Sister Encarnación: Ignacio, I have been looking all over for you, where have you been?
Nacho: I have been here. I have been sleeping.
Sister Encarnación: In a frilly shirt and slacks?
Nacho: They are my PJ's

Brian Johnson: I'm a fucking idiot because I can't make a lamp?
John Bender: No. You're a genius because you can't make a lamp.

Buttercup: [kisses senile King]
The King: What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you have always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
The King: Won't that be nice. She kissed me!

Lee: Let me tell you something about Asians, we never panic.
James Carter: Oh yeah, when Godzilla be coming, y'all be trippin': "Giaca! Giaca!"

Saul Silver: Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbie in a nice retirement home.
Dale Denton: Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
Saul Silver: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?

Me and the judge have a special relationship... I don't wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.

Gayle Sweeny

Oh, my God. It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow.

Colonel Sandurz

["One Toke Over the Line" is playing on the radio] One toke? You poor fool! Wait till you see those goddamn bats.

Raoul Duke

Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

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