Favorite Comedy Quotes
Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.
Bartleby
Jay: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.
Bethany: I'll keep that in mind.
Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
Rufus
Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years eight times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less!
Loki: I forgot my little voodoo doll. Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...
[pauses, then crushes voodoo doll of Whitland, who is terrified but unharmed]
Loki: I don't believe in voodoo. [leaves, re-enters with a gun] But I do believe in this.
Bethany: So this is all about revenge.
Azrael: After the first couple of million years, no. My only goal was escape, but, surprise surprise, demons can't get into heaven... but angels can.
Jay: Maybe he's got a message on him, like in Con Air.
Rufus: Aww, man, did that movie suck!
Jay: [hiding behind silent Bob] Kill it, kill it!
Rufus: Con Air, Con Shit!
I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pube-less asses!
Jay
"I do believe in this." What does that even mean?
Bartleby
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses... in blood!
[Rips shirt to reveal silver breastplate]
Bartleby: Wings, now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here ...
Bartleby: DO IT!
Randal Graves: You're in the bestiality business.
Sexy Stud: Hey. Fucko. We like to call it inter-species erotica.
Randal Graves: Intriguing.
Randal Graves: That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little Hobbits to go for a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would have been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey, faggot! They're not gay. They're hobbits.
