Favorite Comedy Quotes
Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!
Alyssa
Collector: You're mucking with a G, you fuckin' tracer.
Banky Edwards: I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck!
Holden McNeil: We've got to beat traffic.
Banky Edwards: What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning!
Holden McNeil: Yeah, and rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.
Holden: They used you!
Alyssa: No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't wanted to? Do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew from early on your track was from point A to be, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, you and I, got together and suddenly I was sated!
It seems like Banky has a problem with all things not hetero.
Hooper
Banky Edwards: Where's Holden?
Hooper: I think he went to the bathroom.
Banky Edwards: That guy's got a bladder like an infant.
Hooper: That's funny. He says you're hung like an infant.
Banky Edwards: Does his mother tell him everything?
I may not be a smart dog, but I know what roadkill is.
Slinky Dog
[to Mr. Potato Head] I'm packing your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes just in case.
Mrs. Potato Head
Woody: Look Jessie, I know you hate me for leaving, but I have to go back. I'm still Andy's toy. Well, if you knew him, you'd understand. See, Andy's...
Jessie: Let me guess. Andy's a real special kid, and to him, you're his buddy, his best friend, and when Andy plays with you it's like... even though you're not moving, you feel like you're alive, because that's how he sees you.
Woody: How did you know that?
Jessie: Because Emily was just the same. She was my whole world.
Buzz Lightyear: You killed my father.
Emperor Zurg: No Buzz, I am your father.
Buzz Lightyear: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Emperor Zurg: We meet again Buzz Lightyear... for the last time.
Buzz Lightyear: Not today, Zurg.
Buzz Lightyear: Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours you'll be sitting around a campfire with Andy making delicious hot Schmoes.
Woody: They're called "S'mores", Buzz.
Buzz Lightyear: Yes, yes. Of course.
