Favorite Comedy Quotes
You may have seen a meteor shower, but I bet you've never seen a shower "meatier" than this.Sam Sparks
Steve Bolander: I thought, maybe before I leave, we could agree that... that seeing other people while I'm away can't possibly hurt, you know.
Laurie Henderson: You mean dating other people?
Steve Bolander: I think it would strengthen our relationship. Then we'd know for sure that we're really in love. Not that there's any doubt.
We bought a zoo!Rosie
Same thing happened to me. They found me in a back alley when I thought I was Neil Armstrong and was trying to reenter the Earth's atmosphere in a refrigerator box.Kirk Lazarus
Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!
Kumar: We're not low!
Richard Hayden: What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
Tommy: Ohhhh, man...
Richard Hayden: One and a...
Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up.
Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.Charlie
Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
Metropolitan Police Inspector: [darkly] You don't want me to get the Chief Inspector down here do you?
Nicholas Angel: Yes, I would actually.
Metropolitan Police Inspector: Very well.
[to a man by the door]
Metropolitan Police Inspector: Kenneth?
My brain's been paranized!Jerry
Looks like you've got a thing for butt-ugly girls, Mr. I've Got A Thing For Butt-Ugly Girls!Austin