Favorite Comedy Quotes
Lance Armstrong: Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Ya, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Ya, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. Good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.Patches O'Houlihan
I'm gonna send you all to hell!Steve the Pirate
In thirty days I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, are inside it when I do.White Goodman
Prepare to be humiliated on cable television!White Goodman
The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'll make a barter with ya; true as the north star. In exchange for your kindness, I'll be sharing me buried treasure with ya... once I find it, that be.Steve the Pirate
Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.
I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.White Goodman
White Goodman: [about Average Joe's] Oh, really, you like it over there with those freaks in Losertown?
Kate Veatch: Freaks? They're not freaks, they're people just like you and me.
White Goodman: People, haha, people just like you and me! That is what I love about you Kate! You've got a *personality*!
Kate Veatch: [outside Kate's house] White? What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?
White Goodman: It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Kate. The hippies finally got something right! Ha-ha! Just kidding. But not really.
Dwight: We're still missing the teenage love puppy and Steve the Pirate.
Owen: Who's Steve the Pirate?
Dwight: The only guy on our team that dresses like a pirate!
Owen: Wait, there's a guy on our team who dresses like a pirate?
Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!Patches O'Houlihan