Favorite Comedy Quotes
Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right.The Mayor
Steve Zissou: This bull dyke's got something against us.
Ned Plimpton: I don't think she's a lesbian. She's pregnant.
People should have to qualify to go out with you. You're too precious to be on the open market.Anna Riley
White Goodman: Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to "socialize".
Kate Veatch: You're not. I'm off the clock.
White Goodman: Well, isn't that convenient for you? And the clock.
Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair.
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gil Hicks: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?
[reciting] I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food.Sharks
Richard Hayden: No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.
Tommy: I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that... was... AWESOME!! ... but, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks.
Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover, it gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.Dionne
Stephanie: [to Luke, at the Fire Island beach:] I see the dopeness in everything, and you just see the wackness.
Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "PiÃ±ata! PiÃ±ata!" What the hell is a piÃ±ata, anyway?
Roy: So what did your dad do? Was he an imperial guard?
Chon Wang: No, much more important. He was the Keeper of the Imperial Seal.
Roy: That's what I love about China. Everybody's job description sounds so damn cool!
Gene: Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.
Gary: Come on. What?
Gene: Finish up the taters.
Gary: And then what did you say?
Gene: And then what did I say?
Gary: You said you were going to... fondle your sweaters.
Gene: Ah, uh - no I didn't. I said... fondue the cheddar... I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.
Gary: No, Gene, that is not what you said.
Gene: That is what I said. Fondue cheddar.