Favorite Comedy Quotes
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.
Go to sleep! Why won't you just go to sleep!Droz
Reporter: Do you think these haircuts have come to stay?
Ringo: Well, this one has. You know, it's stuck on good and proper now.
Rita: I always drink to world peace.
Phil: I'd like to drink to world peace.
Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?Garth Algar
Alien toys: You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful.
Mr. Potato Head: Will you just leave me alone?
Lt. Frank Drebin: How are the children?
Jane Spencer: We didn't have any children.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Yes, of course.
Jane Spencer: How was your prostate operation?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, good. Fine. Never been better.
[praying] Dear God, I know I don't believe in you, but since I'll be starting catholic school soon, I though I should at least practice. Let's see. What do I want? I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she is and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. Oh, and I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants and someday, I wanna be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy.Tammy Metzler
Priest: What did you do Raymond?
Ray: Murder, father.
Priest: Why did you murder, Raymond?
Ray: For money.
Priest: You murdered for money?
Ray: Yes, father.
Priest: Who did you murder for money, Raymond?
Ray: You, father.
Smoker: Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Thurgood Jenkins: Not really, no.
Smoker: You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ."
Thurgood Jenkins: You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.
The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.Chip Douglas
Spock, my top priority right now is to regain control of the ship. After that, you can debate Shakari until you're green in the face.Kirk