Favorite Comedy Quotes
That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.Ted
Reverend Cleophus James: The sad sack was sittin' on a block o' stone/Way over in the corner weepin' all alone/
Curtis: The warden said, "Hey, buddy, don't you be no square / if you can't find a partner use a wooden chair!"
Ray: Let's rock, everybody, let's rock/
Mrs. Murphy: Everybody on the whole cell block / Was dancin' to the Jailhouse rock.
I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.Alan Shemper
Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
Ted: Hey, you're home early!
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: They're hookers, so it's fine.
I was drowning and she pulled me out of the ocean.Julie
Life is one fuckin' beauty contest after another.Dwayne
Lee: Just try to blend in.
James Carter: What do you mean, "blend in"? I'm two feet taller than everybody in here!
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.Patches O'Houlihan
From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid.Jay
I'm gettin' too fat for this s***.Larry