Favorite Comedy Quotes
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
Zoey: Could you please take your hands off my breasts?
General Aladeen: Those are breasts? I thought you were a boy.
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course.
Donkey: Please. I don't wanna go back there. You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak... Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!
Friend: Are you sure Applebee's is the best place to meet hot women?
Rick: You thinking Olive Garden?
MacGruber: Your companion is a very beautiful young woman.
Dieter Von Cunth: Thank you.
MacGruber: I hope you enjoy being date raped, ma'am.
Dieter Von Cunth: This is my daughter.
Crush: You, Mini-Man, takin' on the jellies. You've got serious thrill issues, dude. Awesome.
Marlin: Oh, my stomach. Ohh.
Crush: Oh, man. Hey, no hurling on the shell, dude, okay? Just waxed it.
Marlin: So, Mr. Turtle?
Crush: Whoa, Dude. Mister Turtle is my father. The name's Crush.
Marlin: Crush, really? Okay, Crush. I need to get to the East Australian Current. EAC?
Crush: [Laughing] Oh, dude. You're ridin' it, dude! Check it out!
Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.
Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
Bishop: There is no God...
Janine, someone with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.Dr. Peter Venkman
One day, lady superspy Susan Cooper, I will fuck you.Aldo
You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.Tod
Horton: I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.
Morton: [sighs] An elephant's faithful one hundred percent.
Horton: That's my code, my motto.
Phil: I've been stabbed, shot, poisoned, frozen, hung, electrocuted, and burned.
Rita: Oh, really?
Phil: ...and every morning I wake up without a scratch on me, not a dent in the fender... I am an immortal.