Favorite Comedy Quotes
Claire Standish: You know why guys like you knock everything?
John Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire Standish: It's because you're afraid.
John Bender: Oh God, you richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.
Claire Standish: You're a big coward.
Brian Johnson: I'm in the math club.
Claire Standish: See, you're afraid that they won't take you, you don't belong, so you have to just dump all over it.
John Bender: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes, now would it?
Claire Standish: Well, you wouldn't know, you don't even know any of us.
John Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers, but I'm not going to run out and join one of their fucking clubs.
Andrew Clark: Hey. Let's watch the mouth, huh?
Brian Johnson: I'm in the physics club too.
Caroline: I found Jesus!
Caroline: He's much taller in person...
Ah, hon, ya got Arby's all over me.Marge Gunderson
Just because I wear a uniform doesn't make me a girl scout.Fran Kubelik
Happy learned how to putt, UH-OH!Happy Gilmore
Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring...Les Grossman
E.B.: Is she seeing anyone?
Fred: No. She's single and she's looking for a rabbit.
"I don't like you takin' liberties with my dick."Nick [to Lou, regarding an oral sex bet]
Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?Prince Akeem
Skip: Don't take this the wrong way Millie, but if I catch you in here again I'll ban you from the ballpark.
Millie: You can't ban me from the ballpark because my daddy donated the scoreboard.
Skip: What do we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all season.
Tripp: [at the top of a mountain, when Ace appears] Well, hey, Ace. We thought you gave up and went home.
Ace: [dropping to the ground, exhausted] No. I fell into a deep, dark crevice. It was scary.
Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.