Favorite Comedy Quotes
Elwood: Oh no.
Jake: What the fuck was that?
Elwood: The motor. We've thrown a rod.
Jake: Is that serious?
Mini-Me: [Mini-Me unzips his pants]
Nigel Powers: My lord! you're a tripod. What you been feedin' that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
My sweet dick, it's magic!Patches O'Houlihan
Fuck you, donuts are awesome!Kumar Patel
Donkey: I don't wanna die...! I don't wanna DIE! Oh sweet sister mother of mercy... I'm melting...! I'm MEEELTIIING!
Shrek: It's just the rain, Donkey.
Nigel Tufnel: Look... still has the old tag on, never even played it.
Marty DiBergi: [points his finger] You've never played...?
Nigel Tufnel: Don't touch it!
Marty DiBergi: We'll I wasn't going to touch it, I was just pointing at it.
Nigel Tufnel: Well... don't point! It can't be played.
Marty DiBergi: Don't point, okay. Can I look at it?
Nigel Tufnel: No. no. That's it, you've seen enough of that one.
Jack: Man! That's tasty!
Miles Raymond: That's 100% pinot noir. Single vineyard. They don't even make it any more.
Jack: Pinot noir?
Miles Raymond: Mmm-hmm.
Jack: Then how come it's white?
Miles Raymond: [laughs] Oh, Jesus. Don't ask questions like that up in wine country. They'll think you're some kind of dumbshit, OK?
I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.Helen
[praying over Heather's casket] Hi, I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sounded bitchy?Veronica Sawyer
Okay, guys, I know I sold y'all out, and I've been a real son of a bitch, and a shitty friend. Saul, I'm talking to you. Dale, you're a new friend, but, uh, I can make it up, okay? I forgot "bros before hos."Red
[hearing music underground] So where the hell's that goddamn golden oldie comin' from?Valentine McKee
There's no such thing as nothing.Bernard Jaffe