Favorite Comedy Quotes
Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.
Otto: Yeah. Winners.
Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?
Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
Archie: [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.
Lester Bangs: So, you're the one who's been sending me those articles from your school newspaper.
William Miller: I've been doing some stuff for a local underground paper, too.
Lester Bangs: What, are you like the star of your school?
William Miller: They hate me.
Lester Bangs: You'll meet them all again on their long journey to the middle.
Miles Raymond: Did you read the latest draft, by the way?
Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Miles Raymond: And?
Jack: It's great. I mean there are so many improvements. It's much tighter, just seems... I don't know, more congealed or something.
Miles Raymond: Mm-hmm. What about the new ending? Did you like that?
Jack: Oh, yeah. New ending vastly superior to the old ending.
Miles Raymond: There is no new ending. Page 750 on is exactly the same.
Jack: [pause] Well... maybe it just seemed new because everything leading up to it was so different?
Miles Raymond: [sarcastically] Yeah, that must be it!
Macaulay Connor: What's this? Is it my book?
C. K. Dexter Haven: Yes.
Macaulay Connor: C. K. Dexter Haven you have unsuspected depth!
C. K. Dexter Haven: Thanks, old chap.
Macaulay Connor: But have you read it?
C. K. Dexter Haven: When I was trying to stop drinking, I read anything.
Macaulay Connor: And did you stop drinking?
C. K. Dexter Haven: Yes. Your book didn't do it though.
[during "Red, White, and Blaine production] I love you too pa. You taught me how to be a man. How to wrastle a steer to the ground and apply a fiery brand to his hind-quarters. And yes, how to love a woman. How the smell of her hair can drive a man wild!Corky St. Clair
Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.Ollie
Rob: What if I was doing something that can't be cancelled?
Laura: Rob, what are you ever doing that can't be cancelled?
You're an old man, I don't want to fight you.Larry
[Gus punches Larry in the face]
Eli: Did I hit the dog?
Eli: Is he dead?
Eli: I need help.
Did you notice anything weird a minute ago?Rhonda LeBeck
Good sir? I heard you were a poet. But a poet of no words?Viola De Lesseps
I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week and they just started showing up every day. That was four years ago.Rob