Favorite Comedy Quotes
[reading aloud from Issac's wife's memoir] "He was given to fits of rage, Jewish liberal paranoia, male chauvinism, self-righteous misanthropy, and nihilistic moods of despair. He had complaints about life but never any solutions. He longed to be an artist but balked at the necessary sacrifices. In his most private moments, he spoke of his fear of death, which he elevated to tragic heights when in fact it was mere narcissism."Mary Wilke
All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband.Marie
We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.Bruce
Mike: I'm stoned... so are you!
[looks in the backseat]
Mike: Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...
Mike: Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!
The Mayor of Who-ville: Listen, Horton, I've gotta go. Apparently there's a problem with a giant meatball.
Horton: You just take care of that meatball sir and leave the freaking out to me.
Listen, honey. Let me call you right back. Miles and I are in the middle of something. No, it's nothing serious, Miles is just having one of his freak-outs. Yeah. Love you too.Jack
Terry Fields: Hey, what do you say, Curt? Last night in town... you guys gonna have a little bash before you leave?
Steve Bolander: The Moose have been looking for you all day.
[hands a check to Curt]
Steve Bolander: They got worried... thought you were trying to avoid them or something.
Terry Fields: What is it? What do ya got?
Curt Henderson: Oh, great.
Terry Fields: That's $2,000 man! Two thousand dollars!
Steve Bolander: Mr. Jennings gave it to me to give to you. He says he's sorry it's so late, but it's the first scholarship the Moose Lodge has given out. And he, uh, says they're all very proud of you back at the lodge.
Curt Henderson: Cute. Why don't you hold it for me for awhile?
Steve Bolander: Hey, I don't want it. Take it... it's yours.
Terry Fields: I'll take it!
Pee-wee: Have a nice day.
Large Marge: Be sure and tell 'em Large Marge sent ya! Heh heh heh heh heh.
Will Burton: I think you're trying too hard to be like Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Bug: That's crazy; I don't even like Flea.
Will Burton: Yeah, what's your name?
I love you, Will, beyond poetry.Viola De Lesseps
Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, you got some kick ass shit!Mike
At least your boss isn't sexually harassing you.Dale