Favorite Comedy Quotes
They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.Isaac Davis
Look at my limo driver... I'm going to have sex with her! alright!Aldous Snow
Elias: The Transformers are a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves: Oh no, sir. The Transformers are a curse from the beast we call The Desolate One.
I've never sucked a dick before. I bet it sucks dick!Kumar Patel
Jack: This chick Stephanie, she's got it all goin' on.
Miles Raymond: Well, she is cute, yeah.
Jack: Cute? She's a fuckin' hottie. And you almost tell her that I'm gettin' married? What's the matter with you?
Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.Harry Doyle
We've never made great husbands, have we? Of course, I have a good excuse. I'm half gay.Alistair Hennessey
[her campaign speech] Who cares about this stupid election? We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected president of Carver. Do you really think it's going to change anything around here; make one single person smarter or happier or nicer? The only person it does matter to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don't even want to go to college, and I don't care, and as president I won't do anything. The only promise I will make is that if elected I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again!Tammy Metzler
This is the man cave, there's no women allowed in here. I got a jerk-off station for God's sake.Sydney Fife
You're crazier than a road lizard.Jedediah
Don't worry. We can walk to the curb from here.Alvy Singer
Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun]
Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."