Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

Peter La Fleur: There's someone out there for everybody.
Owen: You think?
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".

Kate Veatch: I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.

Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.

White Goodman

Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.

Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match!
Pepper Brooks: Unbelievable!
Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today!

Lewis: Why would his motto be "Keep moving forward?"
Wilbur: It's what he does.
Lewis: What does that mean?
Wilbur: That is an excellent question.

Franny: Wilbur, what have you done? How could you bring HIM here?
Wilbur: That... is an excellent question.

Mom and Dad are gonna kill me! And I'm gonna tell you this, it will not be done with mercy!

Wilbur

Lewis: Goob, I had no idea!
Bowler Hat Guy: Shut up! And don't call me "Goob"! How many evil villians do you know that can pull off a name like "Goob"? Bleh!
Lewis: Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad. But don't blame me you messed it up yourself. You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past and keep moving forward...
Bowler Hat Guy: Hmm, let's see... take responsiblity for my own life or blame you? Dingdingdingdingding! Blame you wins hands down!

If my parents figured out I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive and dance on my grave!

Wilbur

Dude... I cannot take you seriously in that hat...

Wilbur

FREE Movie Newsletter