Favorite Comedy Quotes
You're going down like a sweet muffin!White Goodman
At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.White Goodman
White Goodman: Well, that's it. Good guy wins. Bad guy loses. Big freakin' surprise. That's the problem with the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity. "Whoa! Don't make me think!"
Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
Peter La Fleur: There's someone out there for everybody.
Owen: You think?
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
Kate Veatch: I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.
Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.White Goodman
Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.
Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match!
Pepper Brooks: Unbelievable!
Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today!
Lewis: Why would his motto be "Keep moving forward?"
Wilbur: It's what he does.
Lewis: What does that mean?
Wilbur: That is an excellent question.
Franny: Wilbur, what have you done? How could you bring HIM here?
Wilbur: That... is an excellent question.
Mom and Dad are gonna kill me! And I'm gonna tell you this, it will not be done with mercy!Wilbur