Favorite Comedy Quotes
[hears Westley scream] Do you hear that Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when the six-fingered man killed my father. The Man in Black makes it now.Inigo Montoya
Prince Edward: [atop the moving bus, wielding sword] You've met your match, foul beast. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Bus Driver: ARE YOU CRAZY? NOBODY STABS MY BUS!
My dad's a gynecologist. He looks at vaginas all day long.Joseph
Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: Well to give the man credit, he has eased up on the retard a bit.
Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.
Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.
Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Loki: [to a female employee after he shot all of the board members] Gum? Oh, these guys, these men were evil. You're a pure soul. You have nothing to worry about... but you did not say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
Loki: You're getting off light!
Allison: I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.
Alvy Singer: On what?
Allison: Political commitment in twentieth century literature.
Alvy Singer: You, you, you're like New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual, Central Park West, Brandeis University, the socialist summer camps and the, the father with the Ben Shahn drawings, right, and the really, y'know, strike-oriented kind of, red diaper, stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself.
Allison: No, that was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
Alvy Singer: Right, I'm a bigot, I know, but for the left.
Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.
Jay: She's a slut. Bunnnng.
Pastor Arthur Mitchell: Actually, your honor, we have a lot of witnesses here that are willing to testify to a lot of things... like embezzlement.
Tianna: Misappropriation of funds.
Sister Doris: Falsifying documents.
Rickey: Not to mention, wearing an easter suit with a halloween shirt and tie set!
You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!Kyle
Gale: You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught.
Evelle: Either way, we're fixed for life.
Cedric: Mike, how old is your mom?
Cedric: I'm not saying it like that. No, I am. I am. It's like that. Ms. Loretta, I'm ready for the rest of the tour!