Favorite Comedy Quotes
Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
Gretta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!
Fletcher: You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT?
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!
It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.Judge Stevens
Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency, I"LL CALL YA LATER!Fletcher
Audrey, good news, both my legs are broken so they can't take me straight to jail.Fletcher
Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a litte bit...
We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.Bruce
Grace: You still have to go over there, the nurse is waiting.
Bruce: Oh, do I have to?
Grace: Oh, it's not going to hurt. In fact I think you might find it quite pleasurable.
Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going...
God: Bruce... I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well God, nice job on the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way: you *SUCK*!
So God is picking on you?Grace
Grace: It's weird. I woke up this morning and I swear my boobs felt bigger. Do they look bigger to you?