Favorite Comedy Quotes
Please don't say anything important 'til I come back.Margaret
Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
You can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!Otter
Topper Harley: Mrs. Thompson, I know you must hate me right now but there's something I want you to have. I've been putting a little away for the past ten years. It's not much. 2500. I wish I could do more.
Mrs. Mary 'Dead Meat' Thompson: Why, Topper. That's so sweet. Why, with the three million that I won on this Lucky Lotto ticket, I can take this 2500 and just blow it all on hats.
Come back here, so that I may brain thee!Chip Douglas
Annie: What? What's that face?
George: It's nothing.
Annie: Oh, this is going cost you more money.
George: No. It's just... I know I'll remember this moment, for the rest of my life.
Veronica Sawyer: Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?
Heather Duke: Because I can be.
Fuck it! I'm... I'm gay!Ed
Detective Krevoy: So you admit it?
Ted: Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games with you. I could give you a song and dance but what's the point? I did it and we all know it. The hitcher himself told me it's illegal. The irony.
Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Ted: Jeez, I didn't catch it.
Detective Stabler: So he was a stranger? It was totally random?
Ted: He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much trouble am I in?
Detective Stabler: First tell us why you did it.
Ted: Why I did it? I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was doing the guy a favor.
Detective Krevoy: This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted? How many we talking?
Ted: Hitchhikers? I don't know - 50... 100 maybe - Who keeps track? Hey, I know this is the Bible Belt, but where I come from this is not that big a deal.
Detective Krevoy: You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!
[upon first seeing Cristina] Flor! Look at this child! You could make a fortune doing surrogate pregnancy!Deborah Clasky
Don't overlook my butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories.Grim Reaper
All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down.Van Wilder