All this time I thought I was more to you than a flaccid story.

Van Wilder

Dinner for two. Clothing optional.

Van Wilder

Hey look. I read the damn article all right. But don't tell anyone because if word gets out that I read my reputation shot to hell.

Van Wilder

Taj: Doesn't she have a boyfriend?
Van Wilder: Details. Only details.

If Milty Mingleton can shove himself into that weenie bikini, then you don't need to be shy about making your donations to the swim team.

Van Wilder

We'll be accepting donations in the form of cash, visa, and full frontal nudity.

Van Wilder

Van Wilder: What's that intoxicating scent you're wearing Doris?
Ms. Doris Haver: I have cats.
Van Wilder: Meow!

Gwen: What was that girl, a freshman?
Van Wilder: She reads at a sophomore level.

Gwen: Is it true this is your seventh year at Coolidge?
Van Wilder: Carry the two, yes that's correct.

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

Ace Ventura: Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom.
[whispering loudly]
Ace Ventura: I think it's the pate.
Ronald Camp: Sure, right over there.
Ace Ventura: Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?

Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.

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