Favorite Comedy Quotes
Nathan Arizona Sr.: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!
[to his friends on megaphone] Quick break, everybody. There's some nice Pakistani cold cuts there, courtesy of Mrs. Segal.Ben
Woody: I have no choice, Buzz. This is my only chance.
Buzz Lightyear: To do what? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life.
Dave Harken: You options are.
Dale Arbus: Legal options.
Dave Harken: JACK SHIT.
Dale Arbus: I heard Jack Lebowitz is that an attorney I'm going to write that down Jack Lebowitz.
Kurt Buckman: Got to be can we get his contact info please.
David Skylark: As the two best friends stared each other in the eyes, they knew that this might be the end of the long road. But even though that neither one could say it out loud, they were both thinking…
David Skylark and Aaron Rapoport: [whispers together] I love you.
Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
Ned Flanders: No.
Travis: I joined this program and there's steps. There's... uh...
Travis: Yeah, how'd you know?
Cher: Wild guess.
Why don't you go suck George Simmons's cock?Leo
[during her "No Penis Intended" comedy routine after the nominations] Yes, I suppose I'll forgive him... in HELL! HA HA HA HA!Callie Webb
Miranda: Well, come on Liz, I mean look, I don't know, what's going on with your hair here? It's like a science experiment back there. And I know you own contacts, you know. And you're wearing plastic shoes and, I mean, what's this shirt even made of?
Liz: It's flax.
Miranda: See, isn't that a food? You're wearing food!
Marcus Burnett: You see what happens when you go off without me? You get into shit.
Mike Lowrey: Oh please, like shit don't happen when you're there.
Marcus Burnett: That - that ain't the point...
I am angry. I mean I am spitting angry. I'm like a tornado of anger, swirling about.Phil Weston