Favorite Comedy Quotes
Oliver: You given any thought to who you might be voting for?
Shelley: I definitely won't listen to what Simon says, he is just so mean. I usually always agree with Paula and Randy.
Shelley: Oh, you meant the president.
[to Rosemary] I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!Max Fischer
I let the wedding get bigger than Big!Carrie Bradshaw
Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.
He was never a person, he was a journalist!Jeff Bebe
Sidney Deane: Billy, I have four words for you: "Listen to the Woman".
Billy Hoyle: What the hell does that mean, "Listen to the woman"? I TRIED to listen to the woman and you're the one who talked me out of it.
Sidney Deane: Wait a minute. I didn't talk you out of anything. I presented you with an option and you took it.
Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.
Mary Wilke: I guess I should straighten my life out, huh? I mean, Donnie my analyst is always telling me...
Isaac Davis: You call your analyst Donnie?
Mary Wilke: Yeah, I call him Donnie.
Isaac Davis: Donnie, your analyst? I call mine Dr. Chomsky, y'know, he hits me with a ruler.
What's the craziest thing you've done lately?Danielle
Marianne: Come, I'm taking you on a walk.
Margaret: No, I've been on a walk.
Marianne: You need another.
Margaret: It's going to rain.
Marianne: It is NOT going to rain.
Margaret: You ALWAYS say that, and then it ALWAYS does.
Buddy: Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas Carol.
Jovie: No way.
Harry: I'm glad he likes it there. I'm glad we were able to give him something, something good and happy. Because he wasn't such a bad kid, was he?
Harry: He wasn't a bad kid, was he?