Favorite Comedy Quotes
Jerry: Hey, great gift dad.
Fletcher: Thanks son. I'm so glad my gift can bring the two of them together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.
Max Reede: My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.
Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?
Samantha: Oh yeah. One for sure.
Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.
Fletcher: Beg your pardon?
Samantha: Seven single acts of indiscretion.
Fletcher: SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.
Audrey: So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Fletcher: All right, I'm late. I ran oughta gas! The gage is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!
Audrey: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.
Fletcher: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.
Max Reede: Mom, dad's taking me to see wrestling!
Audrey: Ugh. Fletcher!
Fletcher: Ugh. Audrey!
Max Reede: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.
Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends!Fletcher
Audrey: Where were you?
Fletcher: Having sex.
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone *very* special!
Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck!
Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!
Jerry, enjoy my wife.Fletcher
Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
Gretta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!
Fletcher: You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT?
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!