Favorite Comedy Quotes
Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?
Roy: I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.
Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have?
Roy: None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.
Roy: Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary.
Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.
Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?
Ishmael: You should try to quit. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.
Roy: Who's done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.
Ishmael: Whatcha doin', Mr. Munson?
Ishmael: Flossin? Where the hell did I get "Munson"?
Roy: The name's Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin'.
Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey.
Ishmael: You have a monkey?
Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don't mow another guy's lawn.Roy
Roy: Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?
Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.
Roy: Yeah, well he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a hint what it is. It's round, has three holes, and you put your fingers into it.
Ishmael: You leave Rebecca out of this.
Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.Ernie McCracken
One more time, sweetness.Ernie McCracken
The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine.Roy
Some corn stalks were broken and I tried to fix them.Ishmael