George Simmons: I'm surprised nothing happened with you and that girl.
Ira Wright: She told me she had a boyfriend.
George Simmons: She told me the same thing, when she was sucking my cock.

Chloe: You remember that time you stole that monkey and put it in Rosenberg's dorm room?
Kumar Patel: Had I known that the monkey had AIDS I never would have done that.

It's like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk of a car. You find people.

Corky St. Clair

People! The flood is imminent!

Evan Baxter

Carl Showalter: I want to go somewhere where I can get a shot and a steak, maybe, not more fuckin' pancakes, c'mon. Come on, man! Alright ... here's an idea. I know this place outside of Brainerd where we can get laid, what do you think?
Gaer Grimsrud: I'm fucking hungry now, you know.

Shrek: Do you still know the Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: Yes, he's down on Drury Lane. Why?
Shrek: Because we're going to need flour. Lots and lots of flour.

Pitka: I am his holyness, the Guru Pitka. My goal is to say: Gee, You are You... TM.

To Tom and Violet! (Raises a toast) One assumes that everything is going to turn out like some romantic comedy, but most engagements end up like Saving Private Ryan. Good luck. God knows you're going to need it.


It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

Veronica Sawyer do this thing... it's so cute I wanna kill myself.


Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?
Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is man, it's like you wake up everyday and it hurts a little bit less, and you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is that, this is kinda weird, but it's like, it's like, you almost miss that pain.
Mike: You miss the pain?
Rob: Yea, for the same reason you miss her. Because you lived with it for so long.

Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Kumar: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

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