Favorite Comedy Quotes
Mr. Hand: 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words right up here for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.
Jeff Spicoli: All right!
Well, you've done your job, so I don't suppose I can kill your wife Zenat. Although frankly I'd be doing the sighted world a favor.Siegfried
You know what I call him? Not Roy O'Bannon. Roy O'Boloney!Chon Wang
Clive (in Jessica's body): I'll make you a deal. You just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, OK. Then, I'll give you your body back because it soooo important to you.
Clive (in Jessica's body): Waa waa I'm crying about my body... And then, you can just loan it to me every other weekend so I can pay off some gambling debts.
Larry: [when Everette wakes up wearing a dress] Everette, that's another reason you shouldn't drink tequilla.
Everette: [sees the dress] Damn, this always happens when I eat the worm.
I vant everyone to have an Amsterdam good time.Goldmember
Plus I'll probably have to give my parents less money. It'll kill my father. He's not gonna be able to get as good a seat in the synagogue. He'll be in the back, away from God, far from the action.Isaac Davis
Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!
Motormouth Maybelle: Tidley papa, I am a whopper... Motormouth Maybelle's my name and sweetheart, dancin' is my game.
Motormouth Maybelle: Motormouth, Motormouth, Motormouth!
Nathan Arizona Sr.: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!
I'm gonna send you all to hell!Steve the Pirate
Dave: You ball your socks, you floss, and you don't hide booze in the toilet tank.
Dave: [pauses] You live like a Mormon.