It's not "stealing" if you're family. But, seriously, don't tell your mom.

Robert 'Fish' Fishman

We're going to play a wonderful game called... "Who is my daddy and what does he do?"

Detective John Kimble

Jennings: Teaching is just a way to pay the bills until I finish my novel.
Boon: How long you been workin' on it?
Jennings: Four and a half years.
Pinto: It must be very good.
Jennings: It's a piece of shit.

Wow, If he's here, who's running hell?

Van Wilder

Justin: This place is too important to us! Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks?
Gordon: Average Joe's.
Justin: Right! Dwight, Owen, what are you going to do if Average Joe's closes? You gonna work at the airport again?
Dwight: Say what? I ain't working at no airport!
Justin: No, 'cause you hated it! Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?
Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe's be the only place for Steve!

Once, I sent him over the Great Wall. He was lost for three days!

Chon Lin

Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.

Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000, plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar. If you don't, we're gonna break your friends legs here.
Dudley Frank: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!
Jack: Fine, we'll break his hands!
Dudley Frank: Oh dammit. Bring the money!

That's the way it crumbles... cookie-wise.

C.C. Baxter

Well, I don't speak a foreign language, so that's out. And I can't quote John F. Kennedy now, can I, Ryan?


Dieter Von Cunth: "Have you ever been to DC?"
Guy: "No, sir. I haven't."
Dieter Von Cunth: "I was talking to the missile."

Clark, what are you doing?

Ellen Griswold

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