Favorite Comedy Quotes
[to the crowd] We certainly hope you all enjoy the show. And remember, people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there are still some things that makes us all the same. You. Me. Them. Everybody. Everybody!Elwood
Ethel: What are you talking about?
Chas: The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed.
Ethel: But there are no sprinklers here either.
Chas: We might have to do something about that too.
[to Rosemary] We both have dead people in our families.Max Fischer
Tom Dobbs: How many analogies do you have left?
Jack Menken: How many does it take to make my point?
Dying is easy. Playing a lesbian is hard.Mary Pat Hooligan
Tai: I could really use some sort of herbal refreshment.
Dionne: Oh, well we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.
Tai: No shit. You guys got Coke here?
Dionne: Well, yeah.
Cher: Yeah, this is America.
Loki: The last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do that next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.
Sue: Just because I had the balls to stand up to those guys...
Trent: Like fuckin' House of Pain was gonna do anything?
Yearbook Girl: So why didn't you get your picture taken?
Denise: Specifically to avoid moments like this.
Yearbook Girl: [not listening] Great, thanks!
Fook Mi: Do we make you sleepy?
Austin Powers: Well, you make me many things but "sleepy" isn't one of them.
The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!Chip Douglas
I gotta get home for dinner. My wife is slowly poisoning me to death and she gets very angry if I'm late.Morty