First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Mike Damone

Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Jeff Spicoli: Learning about Cuba, and having some food.

[driving stoned] People on 'ludes should not drive.

Jeff Spicoli

Jeff Spicoli: No shirt, no shoes...
Stoner Friend: No dice! Ohhhh.
Brad Hamilton: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Jeff Spicoli: He's the full hot orator.

That was my skull! I'm so wasted!

Jeff Spicoli

Stacy Hamilton: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda Barrett: A quart or so.

Businessman: It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!
Brad Hamilton: Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!

I think I just came... didn't you feel it?

Mike Damone

Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you have to get up
Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole!
Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!

GET OFF MY CASE MOTHERFUCKER!

Brad Hamilton

Those guys are fags.

Jeff Spicoli

What are you, people? On dope?

Mr. Hand

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