Favorite Comedy Quotes
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Now you are going to go up to her and tell her the following, "I'm sorry I was so rude before but it's difficult for me to express myself when I am on the verge of exploding in my pants."
Dave Buznik: Huh ... No!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Listen, if you don't tell her that, I'll fail you and send you to prison.
Dave Buznik: So if I go up to her and repeat that crazy shit probably stolen from a porno film, you sick bastard, you'll release me from the program?
Chuck: Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Dave Buznik: Are you Jewish?
Chuck: I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Chuck: I still remember the war...
Dave Buznik: Oh, yeah?
Chuck: Yeah... Remember waking up to the sound of bombs dropping and children screaming...
Dave Buznik: Oh, you were in Vietnam?
Chuck: No... Grenada.
Dave Buznik: Didn't that, like, last only 12 hours?
Cabbie: Let's get this thing movin'! What the hell is your problem?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Shut your pie hole, we're working here!
Stacy: Uh, we're in the adult film industry, and, we're lovers.
Stacy: So Gina was having sex with this guy Meelo which was totally cool cause it was in the script.
Gina: So we invited him back to the house because we like a little variety...
Stacy: I look up and see Gina kissing Meelo on the MOUTH which is not cool, because it violates our threesome code of ethics!
Gina: So Stacy bit my toe off.
Stacy: Then Meelo starts yelling, calling me a crazy skank...
Gina: And nobody talks to my bitch that way.
Stacy: That's right.
Gina: So I stapled his lip SHUT!!!
Dave Buznik: Well, we've all... been there.
Flirting is the second cousin of Cheating.Dave Buznik
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...
Chuck: Liar, Bullshiter... you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it because you're a deluded piece of garbage!
Chuck: After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out.
Dave Buznik: So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Chuck: Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes.
He was wondering how a man weighing 600 pounds could teach people about self-discipline.Dr. Buddy Rydell
By the way, I like to sleep in the nude.Dr. Buddy Rydell
Judge: You think you can help him?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Yep. And if I can't, I'll tear him apart with my bare hands.
Shaun: It's not that I don't wanna spend time with you, cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?