Favorite Comedy Quotes
Max Fischer: Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer.
Rosemary Cross: Hi.
Max Fischer: Hi.
We're close enough to the curb now. We're right on it.Nick
Jay: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.
Bethany: I'll keep that in mind.
[to Laurie] Why are you so depressed? You'll forget him in a week. After you're elected senior Queen, you'll have so many boys after your bod.Peg
Mike Lowrey: [while looking at a photo album with Marcus's wife, Theresa and answers the phone, which Marcus dials] Hey, is this you, man?
Theresa Burnett: No, no. Put that back in, c'mon put that back in.
You drive. You drive. I think there's something wrong with me.Dr. Gonzo
Are you ready for that? Checking into a Las Vegas hotel under a phony name with intent to commit capital fraud on a head full of acid? I sure hope so.Dr. Gonzo
Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!Judge Stevens
[addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.Alvy Singer
Joel Goodson: Well, uh, it's just that I don't have that much here in the house.
Lana: How much do you have?
Joel Goodson: I have 50 dollars.
Lana: 50 dollars? What are we going to do about this, Joel?
Joel Goodson: I don't know. Could I send it to you?
Lana: [incredulous] Could you send it to me?
Joel Goodson: [long pause] I, uh, have a bond at the bank. I could go cash that.
Lana: I'm not real good at waiting.
Joel Goodson: I'll be quick.
Harold: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man.
Kumar: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to... Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow!
Harold: Shut up, man. It's a classic.
It’s just drinking games and bonding, why is that so painful for you?Jenko