Carter Duryea: Wow, you really believe in this stuff, huh?
Dan Foreman: Of course. Why else would I do it?

[picking up another phone] Hello, this is Mr. Foreman. If you give my daughter an alcoholic beverage or a joint, I will hunt you down and neuter you.

Dan Foreman

[about to be kissed] Uh, I heard this rumor... alcohol impairs your judgment.

Carter Duryea

Carter Duryea:I'm psyched! You - I don't know your name yet! What's your name?
Hector: I'm Hector... I just work maintenance.
Carter Duryea: Well, Hector, are you psyched?
Hector: I'm psyched!
Carter Duryea: Well, if Hector's psyched, then, I know I'm psyched!

Mark Steckle: ...You're being groomed...
Carter Duryea: I'm being groomed! Mark, thank you, thank you. I'm going to kick so much ass for you, I'm going to take no prisoners, I'm going to be your ninja assassin!

I gotta get home for dinner. My wife is slowly poisoning me to death and she gets very angry if I'm late.

Morty

Dan Foreman: Guys, I feel very terrible about what I'm about to say. But I'm afraid your both being let go.
Lou: Let go? What does that mean?
Dan Foreman: It means you're being fired, Louey.

[after learning he's been fired] Dan what the hell am I gonna tell my wife? I mean she already wears the pants, now she's gonna wear the tie and jacket too.

Morty

Carter Duryea: [Alex dims the lights, turns on soft music, and lights incense] Well, it looks like everything is perfect.
Alex Foreman: So why are you still talking?

Dan Foreman: How are you?
Morty: Not so good, not so good. I mean psychologically.
Dan Foreman: I'm sorry.
Morty: That's okay. Anyway my wife got a promotion. I'm hoping she'll raise my allowance.

Dan Foreman: We made a deal remember? We made a deal we'd always be honest with one another.
Alex Foreman: Dad, I was like five years old when we made that deal.
Dan Foreman: Yeah, I liked you better then.

Eugene Kalb: Thanks for the Laker tickets.
Dan Foreman: You bet.
Eugene Kalb: Seats were terrific. But I'm still not going to advertise in the magazine. My son-in-law tells me that people don't read much any more. Too much effort moving eyes back and forth. So we're gonna put most of our budget into television, radio, internet.

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