Favorite Comedy Quotes
Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!
Motormouth Maybelle: Tidley papa, I am a whopper... Motormouth Maybelle's my name and sweetheart, dancin' is my game.
Motormouth Maybelle: Motormouth, Motormouth, Motormouth!
I'm gonna send you all to hell!Steve the Pirate
Did Doogie Houser just steal my fucking car?Harold
Dave: You ball your socks, you floss, and you don't hide booze in the toilet tank.
Dave: [pauses] You live like a Mormon.
Claire Standish: [about her folks] I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me. It's like they use me just to get back at each other.
Allison Reynolds: [her first words of dialogue so far] Ha!
Claire Standish: [pauses] Shut up!
Beaver #1: What you get for lunch?
Beaver #2: Wood. What you get?
Beaver #1: Wood. Wanna trade?
John Milner: (Expletive)! Hey, get down!
Carol: Hey, is this what they call "copping a feel"?
John Milner: What? No, get up, N-O. Sheezus.
Carol: What's your name?
John Milner: My name? Mud, if anybody sees you.
[greeting Robert at the King's and Queen's Ball]
Giselle: I'm surprised to see you here, too. You told me you can't dance.
Robert: I said I didn't. I never said I can't.
Harry Burns: And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend you don't even keep in touch with?
Sally Albright: Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
Tom: The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you.
[on message board] All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.Jay