Favorite Comedy Quotes
I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure.Mr. Jones
Danny: No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.
Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.
I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"Andy Stitzer
Woman on plane: I had a dream last night. That we went down.
Annie: Oh God.
Woman on plane: You were in it.
Wheeler: [sits down] What up, Ronnie?
Ronnie: I don't wanna take my pants off!
Wheeler: [stunned] What?
If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn't, so it doesn't.Ray
Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.
Martin: Whatever. I'm glad I'm not a Jew.
Ben Stone: So are we. You weren't chosen for a reason.
Jimmy: I see you got fat!
Chazz: I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.
Jack Sparrow: We are very much alike, you and I, I and you... us.
Elizabeth Swann: Oh. Except for a sense of honor and decency and a moral center. And personal hygiene.
Jack Sparrow: [Sniffs his armpit and looks back] Trifles.
[flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!Homer Simpson
Elizabeth Swann: Jack, the letters, give them back.
Jack Sparrow: No. Persuade me.
Elizabeth Swann: You do know Will taught me how to handle a sword.
Jack Sparrow: As I said, persuade me.