Favorite Comedy Quotes
Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
Alan Garner: I didn't think so.
I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"Andy Stitzer
[flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!Homer Simpson
[as Simple Jack] Mama, I'll see you again tonight in my head movies. But this head movies makes my eyes rain!Tugg Speedman
Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.
[on Dr. Gonzo] There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.Raoul Duke
Elizabeth Swann: Jack, the letters, give them back.
Jack Sparrow: No. Persuade me.
Elizabeth Swann: You do know Will taught me how to handle a sword.
Jack Sparrow: As I said, persuade me.
I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure.Mr. Jones
Danny: No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.
Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.
Martin: Whatever. I'm glad I'm not a Jew.
Ben Stone: So are we. You weren't chosen for a reason.
Wheeler: [sits down] What up, Ronnie?
Ronnie: I don't wanna take my pants off!
Wheeler: [stunned] What?
Jack Sparrow: Elizabeth!
[Turns to Gibbs]
Jack Sparrow: Hide the rum.