Favorite Comedy Quotes
Ma'am, I'm sure there are a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't.
John Winger
Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.
John Winger
Well, my name's Dewey Oxburger. My friends call me Ox. I dont know if you've noticed, but I got a slight weight problem.
Dewey Oxburger
[to the soldiers in his platoon] We're soldiers; but we're American soldiers. We've been kickin' ass for 200 years. We're 10 and 1.
John Winger
Russell Ziskey: John, do you think I'm officer material?
John Winger: God, I'm worried about you.
Russell Ziskey: Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.
John Winger: Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck!
Russell Ziskey: We've got each other.
General Barnicke: Where is your drill sergeant, men?
John Winger: Blown up sir.
General Barnicke: Where have you been soldier?
John Winger: Training, sir.
Soldiers: Training, sir.
General Barnicke: What kind of training?
John Winger: Army training, sir.
Soldiers: Army training, sir.
Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.
John Winger
John Winger: I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.
Russell Ziskey: You still have your health.
Sergeant Hulka: Soldier, I've noticed that you're always last.
John Winger: I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.
I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.
Russell Ziskey
You better hit those bunks my little babies, or Sergeant Hulka with the BIG TOE is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.
Sergeant Hulka
