Favorite Comedy Quotes
Topper Harley: We both know you belong with Dexter. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. I'm no good at being noble, but... do you have any idea what would happen if you stay here with me?
Ramada Rodham Hayman: Of course I do. Sex. Wild, free, passionate, unbridled sex. I would fondle you in ways you can't imagine. I would pleasure you at any time, in any place, in any way, for as long as you could possibly desire.
Steve: Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
Mike: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!
It seems to me that if there were any logic to our language, trust would be a four-letter word.Joel Goodson
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, uh, I suppose you would think me a sentimental old fluff, but, uh, would you mind giving me lock of your hair?
Mrs. Teasdale: A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea.
Rufus T. Firefly: I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.
Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
Adam: You really think that a girl is going to go for me just 'cause I have cancer?
Kyle: For the millionth time. Yes!
Steven Spielberg: So, Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Austin Powers: Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest film maker in the history of cinema, is making a movie about my life. Very Shagadelic, baby, yeah!
Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy, how much longer are you going to live?
Michael Newman: [to cellphone] One minute.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: One minute?
Daphne Wilder: I say marriage, you say...
Transvestite: Vera Wang.
Alan Shemper: When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and *farts* and crafts. We used to make drawings... cave drawings! Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it! I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor! And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the bubonic plague!
Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...
Ted, Bill: ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
We can hang in my crib. I will show you my 'hood.Lee