Favorite Comedy Quotes
In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.Rufus
Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that will work? Have you kissed other men who then plummented to their deaths?Maxwell Smart
We're very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they're like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.Derek Smalls
George: I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say I do. I was wrong. That's getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. I know. I've just been through one. Not my own, my daughter's. Annie Banks Mackenzie. That's her married name: Mackenzie. You fathers will understand. You have a little girl. An adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never have imagined. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine. Then comes the day when she wants to get her ears pierced, and wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. From that moment on you're in a constant panic. You worry about her meeting the wrong kind of guy, the kind of guy who only wants one thing, and you know exactly what that one thing is, because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then, you stop worrying about her meeting the wrong guy, and you worry about her meeting the right guy. That's the greatest fear of all, because, then you lose her. It was just six months ago that that happened here. Just six months ago, that the storm broke.
Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... even if you know its someplace you know you're not supposed to be.Van Wilder
[to Dr. Peter] I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?Max Fischer
Joe Kingman: What did you put in those cookies?
Peyton Kelly: Um, milk, flour, eggs, cinnamon.
Joe Kingman: Cinammon? I'm allergic to cinnamon!
Peyton Kelly: I'm sorry.
Joe Kingman: You're sowry? I'm talking like t'his and all you can say is you're sowry?
Peyton Kelly: I'm allergic to nuts.
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.Chip Douglas
[Shooting hoops and continuously missing] I was, like, gettin' 'em all in before you showed up.Captain Howard
I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU!Ace
Rufus T. Firefly: Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
Chicolini: I've done it already.
Rufus T. Firefly: You've done what?
Chicolini: I've changed to the other side.
Rufus T. Firefly: So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.
[On Brian falling in love with Anna...]
Rabbi Jake Schram: I mean, she's like your sister!
Father Brian Finn: Thank you for adding new depth to my confusion.