Favorite Comedy Quotes
Ed McDonnough: You mean you ... busted out of jail.
Evelle: No, ma'am. We released ourselves on our own recognizance.
Gale: What my brother here means to say is that we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.
Glen: How many Polacks it take to screw up a lightbulb?
H.I.: I don't know, Glen. One?
Glen: Nope, it takes three! ... Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over. How come it takes three Polacks to screw up a lightbulb?
H.I.: I don't know, Glen.
Glen: 'Cause they're so darn stupid!
Name's Smalls. Leonard Smalls. My friends call me Lenny... only I ain't got no friends.Leonard Smalls
Eight hundred leaf-tables and no chairs? You can't sell leaf-tables and no chairs. Chairs, you got a dinette set. No chairs, you got dick!Nathan Arizona Sr.
[to baby] And this here's the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.H.I.
I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House. I dunno. They say he's a decent man, so maybe his advisors are confused.H.I.
Nathan Arizona Sr.: You want that $25,000 reward, you go ahead and claim it. What's there to talk about?
Leonard Smalls: Price. A fair price. That's not what you say it is, and it's not what I say it is... It's what the market will bear. Now there's people - and I know 'em - who'll pay a lot more than $25,000 for a healthy baby. Why, I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market. And that was 1954 dollars.
Prison life is structured - more'n some people care for.H.I.
Prison Counsellor: Why do you say you feel "trapped" in a man's body?
"Trapped" Convict: Well, sometimes I get them menstrual cramps real hard.
Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.H.I.
Gale: You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught.
Evelle: Either way, we're fixed for life.
Gale: Shit! Where'd all the tellers go?
Teller's voices: We're down here, sir.
Evelle: They're on the floor as you commanded, Gale.