Ned Plimpton: Stevesy, what's going on? Are those hijackers?
Steve Zissou: Well, out here we call them "pirates," Ned.

Gus: Phil? Like the groundhog Phil?
Phil: Yeah, like the groundhog Phil.
Gus: Look out for your shadow there, buddy.

Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
Men: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.
[continues aloud]
Hedley Lamarr: ... do pledge allegiance...
Men: pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: Hedley Lamarr...
Men: Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*!
Men: That's Hedley.

We swam with the... Oh damn, I had it on the plane.

Oseary Drakoulias

Austin: All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."

She could be a farmer in those clothes.


What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Ramada Thompson

Julia Harris: Have you ever done it in a dentist's chair?
Nick Hendricks: Well, you go there and I'll just go to the men's room for a minute.
Julia Harris: You're quite welcome to do that on me.
Nick Hendricks: Actually, it's... uh...
Julia Harris: And?

  • Permalink: And?
  • Rating: Unrated

Ulysses Everett McGill: What'd the devil give you for your soul, Tommy?
Tommy Johnson: Well, he taught me to play this here guitar real good.
Delmar O'Donnell: Oh son, for that you sold your everlasting soul?
Tommy Johnson: Well, I wasn't usin' it.

Leo: If you put 'Cut Kittens' the title of your video, you will have a million hits, then you can put that as a link to your standup.
Ira Wright: Why not just put 'Megan Fox giving a blowjob'?

Peyton Kelly: Stupid is a mean word.
Kyle Cooper: No it isn't.
Peyton Kelly: Yes it is.
Kyle Cooper: No it isn't.
Peyton Kelly: Yes it is.

Moe: He's got a headache. [to Larry]
Larry: No I don't!
Moe: [bangs Larry in the head with a hammer] How 'bout now?
Larry: Yeah, It's comin' on.

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