Favorite Comedy Quotes
Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat... he was the king of queen Archie's world.Hooper
Anna Riley: What's happening with Ruth and Ethan?
Father Brian Finn: Oh. Ethan married a Catholic girl and that did not go over well.
Anna Riley: That's why they're fighting?
Father Brian Finn: They're not fighting, they're not talking. Two years now no communicado.
Anna Riley: Are you serious?
Father Brian Finn: Yeah.
Anna Riley: What? Weren't they really close though?
Father Brian Finn: As close as Ruth and Jake.
Anna Riley: That explains a lot.
Father Brian Finn: You see why tonight was not just a date.
Kumar Patel: So, you like, smoke weed, then throw people in jail for smoking weed? That's so hypocritical, dude.
George W. Bush: Do you like to give hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: Uh, no.
George W. Bush: Do you like to get hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: Well, yeah!
George W. Bush: That makes you a fuckin' hypocriticizer too!
[falls off bike after attempting tricks] I meant to do that.Pee-wee
Valentine McKee: Good luck, shithead.
Earl Bassett: Don't worry about me, jerkoff.
Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.Mauricio
Oliver: You given any thought to who you might be voting for?
Shelley: I definitely won't listen to what Simon says, he is just so mean. I usually always agree with Paula and Randy.
Shelley: Oh, you meant the president.
[to Rosemary] I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!Max Fischer
Percy: Where are we?
Inez: This is Little Havana.
Percy: Like in Grand Theft Auto?
Shake: He's been gone awhile, hasn't he?
Norm: Who has?
Shake: Paul's grandfather.
Norm: Oh, he's down the uh...
Shake: Oh, down the uh...?
Norm: Yeah, down the uh...
Shake: Oh, we'll give him a couple minutes, then.
Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.
He was never a person, he was a journalist!Jeff Bebe