Favorite Comedy Quotes
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Does anybody have any ideas?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What about... a phone... you can smell through...
John Milner: So, your Judy's little... Shit! How old are you?
Carol: I'm old enough. How old are you?
John Milner: I'm too old for you.
Carol: You can't be that old.
Pete: You miserable little snake! You stole from my kin!
Ulysses Everett McGill: Who was fixin' to betray us.
Pete: You didn't know that at the time.
Ulysses Everett McGill: So I borrowed it until I did know.
Pete: That don't make no sense!
Ulysses Everett McGill: Pete, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.
Penny Wharvey McGill
Herman Blume: What's the secret, Max?
Max Fischer: The secret?
Herman Blume: Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.
Max Fischer: The secret, I don't know... I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.
You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!Chip Douglas
Angel Stripper: Oh I'm the weird one? You're the one calling Barry Mannilow from a phone booth at 2:00 am!
Yancy Devlin: You ladies ready to play a little Ultimate Frisbee?
Dan: I think so, Mr. Testosterone!
All I'm saying is, have it there, have it there, don't shove it down people's throat. I don't run around going, "I'm a gentile, look at my foreskin!" I don't shove it down your throat, because I don't care.Martin Gibb
Larabee: I'll do it sir, I have no problem exposing myself.
Agent 99: Do you ever think before you open your mouth?
Larabee: No, I tend to just whip it out there.
I am great at free throws. Seriously, free throws are, like, my best thing.Jackie Moon
Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble.Angus the Groom
Mikey: [to One-Eyed Willie] Hi Willie. Oh, I'm Mike Walsh. You've been expecting me, haven't you? Well I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece... so far.
Mikey: So... that's why they call you One-Eyed Willie... One-Eyed Willie.
Mikey: We had a long comment, huh, Willie? You know something, Willie? You're the first Goonie.
Mikey: Yo. Hi guys. How's it going? This is Willie... One-Eyed Willie. Say hi, Willie. Those are my friends... the Goonies.
Mikey: How long have you guys been standing there?
Brandon Walsh: Long enough, Mikey. Long enough.