Favorite Comedy Quotes
Matthew: Why are you doing this?
Danielle: Isn't that what you want? To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel? So this is what you really think of me.
Bill: [Reading from phone book] The only true wisdom consists in knowing, that you know nothing.
Ted: That's us, dude.
Bill: Oh, yeah!
Charlotte Banksasks: Hi, I'm Charlotte. Nice to meet you.
Sam: I've known you since 5th grade.
Charlotte Banksasks: ...Hmm.
Carl Showalter: What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry?
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, that's, that's, I'm not gonna go inta, inta - see, I just need money.
Rick Ford: You're going to ruin this mission.
Susan Cooper: No, *you're* going to ruin this mission.
Rick Ford: No, you are.
Susan Cooper: No, you're going to!
Rick Ford: You... times infinity!
Man at Accident: [after Terry has backed into his car] Excuse me, but I think we've had an accident.
Terry Fields: Well, goddammit, I won't report you this time, but next time just watch it, will ya?
Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak!Sapphire
Peter La Fleur: Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past...
White Goodman: Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?
Peter La Fleur: That was one night.
White Goodman: Or what about that strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?
Peter La Fleur: The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
White Goodman: It was also a man!
Nancy Hayes: I know it wasn't just about me. Was it?
Jack Ryan: No. Come on. Those paintings on the wall could fetch a pretty penny in the right circles.
Nancy Hayes: Jack, we don't know anybody in the right circles!
Jack Ryan: I know plenty of people in plenty of circles.
Dude, I never went to college and check me out. I'm kick ass!Lance
Those guys are fags.Jeff Spicoli
Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here about the story. Elves love to tell stories. I... I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves. Another, another interesting, uh, elfism, uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps.Papa Elf