Favorite Comedy Quotes
Say "what the fuck" ... If you can't say it, you can't do it.Miles
Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.General Jack D. Ripper
Who is calling at this hour? It's barbaric. I was dreaming about my mother's sausages.Father Havel
Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ... Can I stay with you?
Nancy Hayes: What a freak hole.
Jack Ryan: What?
Nancy Hayes: Jack, it's really depressing here. I'm depressed. I'm depressed.
Jack Ryan: That's one of the things I like about it is how depressing it is. It's like where dreams go to die.
That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.Stu Price
If you're lying to me, I'll be back!Julius Benedict
Who are those guys?Kid at Party
Crash Davis: Last chance. Your place or mine?
Annie Savoy: Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics, I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.
Thank God you found her! She just took three thingies of herbal ecstasy and wondered off! She's so out of it, anything could have happened and she probably wouldn't even know it! God, I was so worried somebody was... well you know, taking advantage of her or something. Here, help me get her on her feet.Stoned Girl's Friend
Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?
Gertie: [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has?
Gertie: [thinking hard] Is it as big as his?
Ollie: Sadly, yes.
Don't write this down, but I find Milton probably as boring as you find Milton. Mrs. Milton found him boring too. He's a little bit long-winded, he doesn't translate very well into our generation, and his jokes are terrible.Jennings