Favorite Comedy Quotes
GET OFF MY CASE MOTHERFUCKER!Brad Hamilton
White Bitch: [holding crystal] Let's start things off with a bang, shall we?
Edward: But you'll kill millions.
White Bitch: Billions. Come on. Let me hear you say it.
Edward: My family will stop you!
White Bitch: WRONG!
Oh that's rich! I've got a cowboy on one side and an Indian on the other! It's like the wild west!Steve "Fink" Finklestein
Areola: But I don't need the class schedule. I only come to this country to be object of lust for poor nerds who cannot get American pussy.
Mr. Cornish: Well, isn't that wonderful?
Cindy: Who's the man Ned?
Cindy: Yes. Say it, who's the man?
Ned: Who's the man?
Rob Lowe: You know, people say that actors lie for a living but this is living a lie.
David Skylark: Okay, Rob, when you’re ready.
Aaron Rapoport: Get ready, camera two.
Male Producer: Oh, Jesus!
David Skylark: Whoa!
Female Producer: His head looks like somebody's taint.
David Skylark: You barely look different!
Rob Lowe: Thanks, Dave!
I was taking a piss when I heard the news, congratulations!Jay
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S. Quint: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S. Quint: [Retches]
Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Mrs. Dashwood: You must miss him Elinor.
Elinor Dashwood: We are not engaged Mamma.
Mrs. Dashwood: But he loves you dearest, of that I am sure.
Elinor Dashwood: I am by no means assured of his regard and even were he to feel such a preference I think we should both be very foolish to assume that there would not be many obstacles to his marrying a woman of no rank who cannot afford to buy sugar.
Mrs. Dashwood: But Elinor, your heart must tell you...
Elinor Dashwood: In such a case it is perhaps better to use one's head.
Harold: [awakening from dream after being hit on head] What the hell are you doing? Gawd!
Kumar: You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up.
Harold: If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Kumar: It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?
Earl Bassett: Hey, Rhonda, you ever seen anything like this before?
Valentine McKee: Oh, sure, Earl. Everyone knows about them, we just didn't tell you.
Allison Reynolds: You have problems.
Andrew Clark: Oh, I have problems?
Allison Reynolds: You do everything everyone tells you to do and that is a problem.
Andrew Clark: Okay, fine, but I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite everyone into my problems.