Favorite Comedy Quotes
Norm Gunderson: Two more months.
Marge Gunderson: [smiling] Two more months.
You know, it's proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-... uh, you know, cancer related.Carl Showalter
I need unguent.Gaer Grimsrud
You should see the other guy!Carl Showalter
Carl Showalter: Geesus. Well, I got the money. All of it. All eighty grand. That's forty for you, forty for me. That's it, then. You can have my truck. I'm takin' the Ceira.
Gaear Grimsrud: We split that.
Carl Showalter: [pause] How'dya split a fucking car, ya dummy? With a fucking chainsaw?
Gaear Grimsrud: One of us pays the other for half.
Hold on! No fucking way! You fuckin' notice this? I got fuckin' shot! I got fuckin' shot in the face! I went and got the fuckin' money; I got shot fuckin' picking it up. I've been up for thirty-six fucking hours! I'm taking' that fuckin' car! That fucker's mine! You fucking asshole!Carl Showalter
You know, I've been listening to your fuckin' bullshit all week. Are we square? Are WE square? Yeah, ya fuckin' mute. And if you see your friend Shep Proudfoot, tell him I'm gonna nail his fuckin' ass!Carl Showalter
Carl Showalter: What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry?
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, that's, that's, I'm not gonna go inta, inta - see, I just need money.
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, heck, if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I... Okay, I'll do a damned lot count!
Marge Gunderson: Sir? Right now?
Jerry Lundegaard: Sure right now! You're darned tootin'!
We've been waiting here an hour. He's peed three times already.Carl Showalter
Carl Showalter: I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard: Okay.
Carl Showalter: I'm not gonna sit here and debate.
Oh, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man! See how you like it. Just total fuckin' silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.Carl Showalter