Favorite Comedy Quotes
Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.
Hospital Nurse: [after Bertram's colonoscopy] Come back soon.
Bertram Pincus: What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.
Lady, I will break my foot off in your ass!Hancock
Waitress: For one?
Carter: No, for two, I'm here for a meeting with Mr. Juntao.
Waitress: I'm sorry I do not know Mr. Juntao.
Carter: Look maybe you don't understand, I'm Mr. Juntao's lawyer, legal advisor, he got into some shit again and he told me to come down here and I'm a very busy man, ain't got time to be down here this late but I'm down here, my wife want me to come home, my baby is shittin' all over the house, he needs diapers, would you please go get Mr. Juntao?
I'm a snow beast!Toula Portokalos
Flounder: I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.
Boon: Face it, Kent. You threw up ON Dean Wormer.
Officer Olson: Hiya, Norm. How ya doin', Margie? How's the fricasse?
Marge Gunderson: Pretty darn good, ya want some?
Officer Olson: No, I gotta - hey, Norm, I thought you were goin' fishin' up at Mille Lacs?
Norm Gunderson: Yah, after lunch.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Pete's cousin turned us in for the bounty.
Pete: The hell you say! Wash is kin!
Washington Hogwallop: Sorry, Pete, I know we're kin, but they got this depression on. I got to do for me and mine.
Pete: I'm gonna kill you, Judas Iscariot Hogwallop!
God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.
Bruce: Quit bragging.
Saddam Hussein: What the *fuck* are you talking about?
Satan: You treat me like shit, Saddam! I'm leaving you!
Saddam Hussein: What? No? No! You can't do that! I have to go to Earth!
Satan: You don't even have any respect for me.
Saddam Hussein: Sure I do, guy, please, just hear me out
So what do we do? What do we do?Andrew Largeman
Helen: Oh my God, you got food poisoining from that restaurant, didn't you.
Annie: No, I had the same thing that she had and I feel fine.
[As Becca starts to feel sick and attempts to control pucking]